so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
