Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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