my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
