I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
