shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
