I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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