I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
