Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
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