I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
