somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
