You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Randomize