Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
