yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
