Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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