Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I need a burrito and a hug.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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