she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
