I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
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sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
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Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
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