i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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