Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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