I could make wine with my vomit
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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