How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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