I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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