If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
