I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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