dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
