My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
