I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
