Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
