i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
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