i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
