I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
i think i just lost a toe
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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