you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Randomize
