He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
He better not be in your backpack
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
We're too hungover to prance.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Randomize
