The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
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