Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
