I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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