true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
50% drunk capacity currently
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
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