I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
