You're my little dorito
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
