you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
just tell him i said nine months
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
