I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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