I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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