Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
