Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
