dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
