JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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