Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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