If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
