I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Randomize
