what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
