I just pynch a tree in the face
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
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