My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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