i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
