I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
